The stress of school, studying, HIS, APO, stomach issues, meetings, doctors appointments, dealing with roommates, money, anxiety, family problems, and everything else all came out in the form of tears. I had just gotten back from the doctor and was cleaning my room and thinking about everything I had to do. Then my chest got all tight and I knew I was about to cry. But I held my breath because I hate to cry. That didn't do anything because i cried anyways. This continued the whole time I was cleaning. and it still wont stop.
The thing is, I don't understand why I have so much to do. Or why everything is so stressful. Or why all I do is study and go to meetings and class and yet I still don't get everything done that i need to in a day. Its not like I'm just chilling on the couch for 3 hours watching tv. No its like I am constantly doing stuff all day long and before I know it it is midnight and I still have so much to do. Like what the heck. It is really frustrating. And I thought that this semester was going to be fairly okay. I mean I'm only in 2 organizations and taking 15 hours. Plus dealing with this stuff going on in my tummy is really difficult and having people always ask me if I've eaten today doesn't help at all. The doctors not knowing whats wrong and then spouting out all these possibilities like gallbladder disease, kidney stones, and stomach ulcers does not make me feel any better. So thanks for that, dumb doctor that barely spoke English. The stomach issue was a medium sized stressor and you just made it bigger.
I can count on one hand the people that truly know what's going on in my life. Two of them being my parents. I don't like to call my parents crying or tell them when I am having a bad day because I don't want them to worry. I don't like telling my friends that know because I don't want to burden them with my ridiculous problems. They have enough going on in their life and they don't need to hear me complaining about my issues all the time. Because I feel like that's all I do. I'm never completely okay. There is always something wrong with me and that is probably the one thing that pisses me off the most. I just want to be normal. So the only time I allow myself to get upset is when i am by myself. When I am around people I smile and pretend like everything is fine. And I make myself be happy. Because i dont want people to know. I don't want them to think i am a freak. I only open up to the people i am closest too and feel the most comfortable around. Even sometimes that is hard for me.
I have never been this busy, physically exhausted, or emotionally drained in my life. I'm at that point where I don't know what to do anymore. So I write it all out in hopes that it makes me feel better. But now that i have done that, I don't know where to go from here. These past few weeks, life has thrown everything it possibly could at me. I took it and did it all and dealt with everything fine. But now its all become too much. Too much for me to handle. Maybe i am in over my head. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew. Whatever it is, I don't know what my next step is going to be. Or what is going to be thrown at me next. I can only imagine what would happen if I just continue on with my crazy life. It will be like today's breakdown times 823048024. Not knowing how to handle all of this probably stresses me out even more. So now what do I do? Well i'll probably just wipe my eyes, cover up my blotchy face, put on a smile, and go do something productive. Because that is all I know how to do.
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