Breakdown.

It was bound to happen sometime. Ive been holding it all in so long. And today it all came out. Cue the sad music:

The stress of school, studying, HIS, APO, stomach issues, meetings, doctors appointments, dealing with roommates, money, anxiety, family problems, and everything else all came out in the form of tears. I had just gotten back from the doctor and was cleaning my room and thinking about everything I had to do. Then my chest got all tight and I knew I was about to cry. But I held my breath because I hate to cry. That didn't do anything because i cried anyways. This continued the whole time I was cleaning. and it still wont stop.

The thing is, I don't understand why I have so much to do. Or why everything is so stressful. Or why all I do is study and go to meetings and class and yet I still don't get everything done that i need to in a day. Its not like I'm just chilling on the couch for 3 hours watching tv. No its like I am constantly doing stuff all day long and before I know it it is midnight and I still have so much to do. Like what the heck. It is really frustrating. And I thought that this semester was going to be fairly okay. I mean I'm only in 2 organizations and taking 15 hours. Plus dealing with this stuff going on in my tummy is really difficult and having people always ask me if I've eaten today doesn't help at all. The doctors not knowing whats wrong and then spouting out all these possibilities like gallbladder disease, kidney stones, and stomach ulcers does not make me feel any better. So thanks for that, dumb doctor that barely spoke English. The stomach issue was a medium sized stressor and you just made it bigger.

I can count on one hand the people that truly know what's going on in my life. Two of them being my parents. I don't like to call my parents crying or tell them when I am having a bad day because I don't want them to worry. I don't like telling my friends that know because I don't want to burden them with my ridiculous problems. They have enough going on in their life and they don't need to hear me complaining about my issues all the time. Because I feel like that's all I do. I'm never completely okay. There is always something wrong with me and that is probably the one thing that pisses me off the most. I just want to be normal. So the only time I allow myself to get upset is when i am by myself. When I am around people I smile and pretend like everything is fine. And I make myself be happy. Because i dont want people to know. I don't want them to think i am a freak. I only open up to the people i am closest too and feel the most comfortable around. Even sometimes that is hard for me.

I have never been this busy, physically exhausted, or emotionally drained in my life. I'm at that point where I don't know what to do anymore. So I write it all out in hopes that it makes me feel better. But now that i have done that, I don't know where to go from here. These past few weeks, life has thrown everything it possibly could at me. I took it and did it all and dealt with everything fine. But now its all become too much. Too much for me to handle. Maybe i am in over my head. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew. Whatever it is, I don't know what my next step is going to be. Or what is going to be thrown at me next. I can only imagine what would happen if I just continue on with my crazy life. It will be like today's breakdown times 823048024. Not knowing how to handle all of this probably stresses me out even more. So now what do I do? Well i'll probably just wipe my eyes, cover up my blotchy face, put on a smile, and go do something productive. Because that is all I know how to do.

I Like To Do Crazy Things.

So this weekend me and my sister dyed a strip of our hair purple. Because we are just cool like that. Zachary is not a fan. My mom just rolled her eyes. My Dad just grinned and said if me dying my hair purple was the craziest thing I do, he could live with that. That's why I love my daddy. Anyways, I like being unpredictable. Plus purple is for TCU. Go Frogs. Pretty sure no one at TCU has random color hair. And thats why I like it.

Dare to be different.

Embrace yourself.

Do what you want.

Just a few empowering terms.

It's kinda already faded. Which is super sad. Maybe next time I'll do the tips thing :)

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Be nice to everyone that you make eye contact with. Smile, say hi. You never know what people are struggling with on the inside. You could very well brighten their day.

If it matters to you, don't just let it go without a fight. You'll regret it later.

Quit being stubborn. Just do it.

You don't necessarily have control over everything that happens to you on a daily basis, but you do have control over how you react to the situations you are put in.

The second you start to think you are better than everyone else, is when you become just like everyone else.

In college you can have 2 of the 3: good grades, a social life, or an adequate amount of sleep.

Crying is not a sign of weakness. It means you have been too strong for too long.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

Be a Friend.

The thing about me is, I see people from the outside in. Everyone is going through something. They make keep it all inside, and never let their emotions show, but even the happiest person in the world is dealing with something. I beleive that everyone has their struggles that they are going through, and they only choose what they want you to see. So I try not to judge people. Thats why I smile at everyone. That may be the only smile they see all day. We are all humans, and we need to take care of each other. I want everyone to have a friend, so I am nice to everyone. My roommates joke about how I am like a mother duck, and I just take all these people under my wings. Maybe Im like that because I dont want people to go through what I did last year. Or maybe I just want to reach out to people and be their friend. Whatever the motive, I want to be the reason that turns people's bad day into a good one.
When I meet someone for the first time, I take everything about them in. What they are wearing, how they act, the tone that they talk in, their body motions, posture, everything. Then I analyze it all and after talking with someone for a few minutes, I can normally tell you down to a degree, what that person is like. I can probably tell you things about their personality, events that have happened in their past, and how they were raised. I have this sixth sense about people, and I think that is why I really want to work with people. I get people. I understand people.
In high school I was that girl that everyone came to for advice. Boys would come talk to me about their girl problems, and anything else that they knew they couldnt tell their guy friends. Girls would come and talk to me about anything and everything. I knew secrets about everyone. I liked people coming to me and telling me their problems. I liked picking their brain and helping them understand the situation they were in better. If they asked my opinion, I would give it to them. If they wanted advice, I would tell them what they should do. Otherwise, I just listened. I liked helping people with their problems. I felt so honored that these people would trust me with their deepest problems, and then for me to be able to help them out of sticky situations, was so rewarding.

Senior year, one of my best friends went through something very traumatic. When they called and asked if they could come to my house and talk, I knew it was serious. The fact that they came to me first and trusted me with this information, meant so much to my friendship with that person. I didnt tell a single soul about that conversation. I was so glad that they came to me, and even though I could not really help, I knew I could comfort them and be there for them, and to me that is the best feeling in the world.
 People need people. That sounds awkward, but its true. We were made to be interactive with others. There was a study done where newborns were put in seperate cribs and were comepletely isolated from others. They were fed on a regular basis and had their diapers changed, but they received no social interaction at all. No one talked to the babies, loved on them, or even made eye contact with them. It didnt take long before all of the babies died. Why? They were getting the nutrients they needed to survive. They were not getting the love that they needed to grow. We are engineered from the very beginning to be social. So be nice to the weirdo you sit next to everyday. Talk to them. Learn about their story. Be a friend. It could change your life, if you let it.

Poem With No Name.

8-4-2008

Before I met you,

I didn’t believe dreams could come true,

But now all that’s changed,

And I see things from a different point of view.

You’re everything I wanted and more,

You understand me like no one before.

You listen and are always there,

I know you do it ‘cause you care.

You love me like no one else has,

And you’ve shown me there’s good through all the bad.

I didn’t believe in damsel in distress,

Or the prince rescuing the princess.

Tall towers were always too high,

They would take way to long to climb.

Stuff out of the storybook just made me laugh,

Who would really believe all that?

Since you came along,

My words sing to a different song.

My heart believes,

In little things like fantasies.

All my wishes and dreams have come true.

It’s all because I met you.

And just for the record,

My story will now end in a happily ever after

Defining Love.

What is love?If I randomly came up to you one day and asked you this question and gave you five seconds to answer, what would you say? Would you try and define it, or describe it, or would you say its a feeling, or an action? Would you think about love in terms of romance or friendship? Would you think of an object or thing that you are really passionate about?

I feel like there is no way to really define love. Love encompasses so many things, and means something different to everyone. The term love has been skewed over time, to where the actual definition has no meaning to anyone these days. Love is used to describe how you feel about everything. You love monkeys. You love chocolate chip ice cream. You love to read. You love basketball. You love the color pink. You love all of these things. But can that really be described as love? Love is an emotional feeling, involving a relationship between people. You love cookies. But do those cookies love you? I don't think so. The term love is just thrown around conversations all the time, so its no wonder that people are having problems in their relationships. You love those cookies. Those cookies don't love you. You love your boyfriend. He doesn't love you. You get upset. Why? You weren't upset that those cookies that you loved didn't love you back, so why are you upset about your boyfriend not loving you. I know that this is silly because obviously cookies and people are very different. All that to say this. The L word has been thrown around so much, that I think everybody forgot the true meaning of love.

I think that the main reason people label love with such a negative attitude, is because that love is portrayed so poorly in our everyday world, than it is in actual reality. You have grown up watching love stories. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, the Little Mermaid. All the characters in these fairytales ended up with their prince charming and lived happily ever after. So you grow up believing in love. You think that any minute your soulmate is going to ride up on a white horse (or maybe a Ford Mustang?), sweep you off your feet, and you two will live happily ever after. If only it were that easy.

This image of meeting someone and living happily ever after is implanted in our heads so early in life, that it is the only thing we know and so we believe it. As we grow up, we still see movies that mask that exact sequence with maybe a few more problems than Cinderella had. But even with their problems, they always end up together in the end. And it is always such a beautiful love story, that we cant help but dream about it happening to us. 

When we are finally old enough to engage in real romantic relationships (not like middle school dating where you are too scared to talk to the other person), everything is great at first. You are in a relationship and you are having so much fun. Everything is new and exciting and knowing that someone cares for you is an amazing feeling. But then your significant other lies to you. Or stands you up on your date night. Now what do you do? Cinderella did not have this problem. This is not the way it is supposed to go. Of course you have no idea how to solve the problem because you just believe that in the end it is going to be okay because you will live happily ever after.

See the problem with this? We are so consumed by the idea that love is perfect. We have this misconception that relationships are full of happiness, roses, and hugs all the time. And there is nothing wrong with that, but it is not practical to believe that you will never argue or have a fight. So when that time comes in the relationship, people leave. They dont know how to solve the problem, so instead they walk away from it. Then all the love-hating starts. You know like when girls sit around and talk about how much they hate boys and how stupid they are and how there is no such thing as true love. Do you really think that talking negatively about love is a good idea? All that does is make you actually believe it. So now you dont believe in love and are confused when all your relationships fail. How are you going to truly love someone if you still have all these misconceptions about love?

Alot of my friends are having this problem right now. They have had guys come and go in their life and when their relationships didnt turn out quite like they planned, they automatically go into the love-doesnt-exist-phase. The worst thing is when my friends doubt themselves and start wondering what was wrong with them. Nothing is wrong with you. Youre beautiful. The problem lies beneath the surface. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the perception of love you have accumulated growing up. Dont blame love. Love is a beautiful thing. When you find your prince charming and do live happily ever after, you will be so glad that you did not give up on love.

So what is love?
The first thing that comes to my mind is my favorite verses. 1 Chorinthians 13:1-13. This verse is the key to successful relationships. If you have all of the principles listed, I can almost guarantee that you will have a healthy relationship. God is love. He loves you so much that he sent his son to die for you. That is love.

Examples of love in my life the past week are:

• calling a friend because youre upset, and her coming over at midnight to talk to you. no questions asked.
• a 2 year old crawling in your lap with a book in hand, and smile on their face.
• spilling dr pepper all over yourself, and your friend immediately going to get paper towels for you.
• 3 minute phone calls in the middle of the day, just to hear your voice.
• hugs from your roomies, just because.

Don't give up on love.

God did not give up on you.

<3



Its 4 in the morning

Ive been up since 9:00. Most of my day consisted of me sitting in the library studying for my first biology exam tomorrow. You would think all of that studying would make me tired. Nope. Just the opposite is happening. I cant stop studying. When we left the library at 2:00 a.m., I was sad to be leaving. Thats just weird. Who would rather be studying than sleeping? Apparently me.
Now I'm laying in my bed and instead of wanting to sleep, I am having all these urges to do random things. Such as:

• yoga (which I don't even know how to legitly do)
• run. run fast and for a long time until I cannot walk anymore.
• get a back massage
• study more.
• try on clothes in my closet
• listen to Sia "Breathe Me" on repeat
• do the laundry

Basically right now I am having all these weird, random desires to do anything but sleep. I dont even feel tired and I only got like four hours of sleep last night. What the heck.

In honor of September 11

Everyone I have talked too has remembered exactly where they were on that day. I was in Mrs. Holz's class in fourth grade. We had just finished doing our warm up problems that we do every morning when the principal came on over the intercom and told all the teachers to turn on the news on the tv. Mrs. Holz did, and we were all confused when the screen was filled with live video of big buildings burning. Of course none of us had any idea what was going on and all the teachers were running around in the hallway talking to each other. I remember sitting in my desk and staring at the screen. Mrs. Holz's phone kept ringing off the hook and she would answer and we would all stare at her in silence just waiting for an explanation. But she gave none. After a few minutes, the principal came back on the intercom and explained that there had been a terrorist attack. A class full of nine and ten year olds had no idea what that meant and Mrs. Holz did her best to explain.
A bunch of parents came in got their kids that day and it was hard to continue with class as normal. I remember walking down the hall and we passed another class that had half the kids in it. My mom didn't come early to get me but I remember getting home and sitting on the couch with her watching the news. She asked me if I knew what happened. I said yes that planes had flown into the towers and that bad guys did it.
As I have gotten older, I have come to understand more that happened about that day. The question I most often find myself thinking is why? Why would terrorists hijack a plane and crash it into one of the tallest buildings in New York City?  Why would they end the lives of so many innocent people? How could you be so heartless to leave families without their loved ones? For many Americans, these are questions that will never be answered, that have reasons that we will never fully understand.

 

Being a Christian, I cant help but think why would God let this happen? How could God let thousands of innocent people die from such an unkind act. If God is who he says he is, then why didn't he stop this? That leads me to my next point. If God is so good, then why is our world filled with so much evil? The answer is unknown. What we do know is that God is greater than evil. An act that was probably supposed to tear our country apart, brought us so much closer together. After 9/11, it didn't matter if you were a democrat, republican, white, black, or brown; because we were all one nation under God. You watched as a terrible attack happened on your own soil, and all of a sudden, it didn't matter that your neighbor was as far to the left as you were to the right. Because you had both experienced the same thing. Our country started coming together. People cried together, worshipped together, mourned together. The United States became one nation under God.

God didn't "let" this happen. He had no control over this situation. Evil acts have absolutely nothing to do with God because he is only associated with good things. September 11 was not God's fault. You cannot blame God for allowing this to happen. You can blame the hearts of the terrorists who did not know God. Even when bad things happen, God shows up. He finds a way to put a comforting hand on the hurting. A few days after September 11, he let the United States know that he was looking after us when this was found amidst all the debris.

It is no coincidence that this huge metal beam was standing up higher than all of the rest of the debris around it. God brought people together on this day, he helped people find him and become Christians, and he silently made a promise to us that he was watching over us. It makes me so sad to think about all the families that lost their loved ones that day.I still do not understand what fully happened on that day or any of the days that followed. What I do know, is that it brought our country together and that we will never forget.

9/11/01

It's Thirsty Thursday

and that means that everyone is going out tonight.
From my room on the third floor of my building, I can hear girls shrieking, horns honking, and heels tapping along the sidewalk outside my window. And it's only 10:35.
Pretty sure that my whole floor is full of big time partiers, stuck up frat boys, and sassy so-rawr-ity girls. It constantly smells like weed in my hallway. Which is disgusting.

About 20 minutes ago, I heard loud knocking on our door. I wasn't going to get up and answer it because I wasn't expecting anybody. Apparently none of my roommates were either so we all just stayed in our rooms. Then, my roomie Virginia was walking by the front door and heard something so she looked out the peephole. Two girls with plastic red cups were walking by and one of them picked up our door mat and threw it down the hall. So my awesome roommate who witnessed this via peephole, opened the door and goes "Thanks for that" at those stupid girls. The girls could care less because they just turned around and gave Virginia a dirty look before continuing to walk down the hall off to whatever place they are going to get drunk.

So when Virginia came in and told me this I was just like what the heck. Like how could  someone just be so rude and careless to mess with property that does not belong to them. I had to deal with crazy drunk girls last year, and do not wish to do it anymore. I was just happy that Virginia was there to open the door and tell them what's up. If it was me, I probably would've picked up our mat and threw it at them.
As you can probably tell, rude people are not my favorite. And I could write forever about this subject, but I will stop there for now. You have to watch the video below though. It is hilarious. Happy thirsty Thursday friends.

Fetch.