broken.

Life can be crazy sometimes. It's like it is just tempting you to see what it can throw at you next. Which road are you going to go down and how far will you go before you fall of the edge. You are being pushed and pulled in every single direction. Then you are going along just fine, when all of a sudden there are a million speed bumps in your way. And then its like, well how much more of this can I really take. How much can I handle being thrown at me, while I'm trying to do everything that needs to be done, while also trying to stay on the right road.

You can tell yourself that you can do it. You can handle everything that is thrown at you with a huge smile on your face. But you can only be so positive and so strong for so long before you start to break.

and when that happens, there's no turning back.

You can think all of the positive thoughts that you want too. You can smile and tell yourself that today will be a good day, because you will make it a good day. You can wear your favorite shirt. You can listen to your favorite song on repeat. You can eat lots of chocolate.

But none of that matters after you're already broken. because things that are broken require healing.

and healing takes time, which can be frustrating, which can make you upset, which puts you in a bad mood.

and at that point, it really does not matter how many times you smile at yourself through the tears in the mirror. It doesn't matter how many people you surround yourself with just so you do not have to be alone with your thoughts.

Because at that point, you are broken. Broken things require repairs. and the repair is something that you do not know how to do. After you have already tried so hard, prayed so much, been so optimistic; once you're broken, you will be broken for awhile.

Being broken doesn't mean that you have given up. It simply means that you have realized your life is beyond your own repair. That means that you need to call in the big dog.

Just like you call an electrician when the light wont turn on, or the plumber when your toilet wont flush; you call God when your life is a wreck.

The first step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have one. The second step is getting rid of your pride and asking for help. When you are broken, ask for help to be fixed, so that the the big man upstairs can come in and do the repair.
Let go, & let God.

Not Worth the Worry.

I remember having long talks with my dad when I was little. He would always come in my room every night and say me a prayer and sing me a song before bed. I remember talking about God with him. I had alot of questions, and he always had answers. 

I can remember being like 9 years old and not being able to sleep because I was worrying about too many things. Like what does a 9 year old have to worry about? I would worry so much that I could not sleep and I would make myself sick. My dad would come in and pray with me. Every night, he would pray for me to not worry, to be strong, and to not cry. He would tell me how he believed in me and that God would help take my worries away and make me strong. All I had to do was ask. He said that I just needed to give all my worries to God and trust that he would take care of everything.

It took awhile, but eventually I did not have to sleep with my light on anymore. I prayed to God and asked him to help me teach myself to not worry. When I fully started trusting in him, is when I felt the most relief and was able to fall asleep at night without worrying about things that could happen to me. 

Now I'm 19 years old. Ten years later, and I am having this problem all over again. I wish that I could call my daddy into my room so that he could talk and pray with me and help me know that everything is going to be okay. My biggest problem is that I have a hard time fully trusting in God's plan for me. I am such a control freak that I want to be the one in control. But I know that to get rid of my anxiety, I need to cast it all upon God and trust that he will take care of it. I also have a hard time asking God for help. I have a hard time asking people for help in general, but I know that I should feel comfortable asking God for help. I just feel like sometimes that my problems are not that big compared to other people. I don't want to take away any time from people with bigger problems and say hey God, look over here I need help with this little problem called anxiety. While someone else needs help with a big problem like cancer.

I know that is not how prayer works. I know that God hears everyone, and its not like we have to form a single file line and ask God for help one by one. I just feel like the problem is so small that I can handle it on my own, and he can help out all the people with major problems. I have such a big issue with telling people my problems, that I cant even tell God. Which is a major problem because I know that I should go to him for help. I guess it is hard for me to admit that I need help because I am so good pretending that I am fine all the time. But there is a point where everyone needs help in life. And who is a better person to turn to for help than God?

Only God has the power to take all of your worries away. I am working on being more open and honest and letting Him help me instead of trying to be in control all the time. Admitting you have problems does not mean that you are weak. It means that you have risen above yourself and have decided to seek external help because you have finally realized that the healing cannot come from you. It must come from God. All you have to do is let go, and let God.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Your past does not define you. God is greater than your past.

If you have to be careful when you bend over, it's probably not appropriate.

The way you get freedom, is by forgiveness.

If you still think about it, dwell on it, or worry about it; you're not over it. Talk it out, it always helps.

Your self-worth cannot be defined by anyone else. That's allllll you :)

If it's not going to matter in 5 years, it's not worth the argument.

Make sure all the size stickers are taken off your clothes before wearing them in public.

Words are just words. But remember that words hurt.

When someone smiles at you, you better smile back. It takes more muscles to not return the smile, so that means you have to really concentrate on not doing it. And that's just rude.

You will miss great opportunities in life if you fail to do things because you are too scared.


Have a wonderful Wednesday! Got any good words of wisdom?

Breakdown.

It was bound to happen sometime. Ive been holding it all in so long. And today it all came out. Cue the sad music:

The stress of school, studying, HIS, APO, stomach issues, meetings, doctors appointments, dealing with roommates, money, anxiety, family problems, and everything else all came out in the form of tears. I had just gotten back from the doctor and was cleaning my room and thinking about everything I had to do. Then my chest got all tight and I knew I was about to cry. But I held my breath because I hate to cry. That didn't do anything because i cried anyways. This continued the whole time I was cleaning. and it still wont stop.

The thing is, I don't understand why I have so much to do. Or why everything is so stressful. Or why all I do is study and go to meetings and class and yet I still don't get everything done that i need to in a day. Its not like I'm just chilling on the couch for 3 hours watching tv. No its like I am constantly doing stuff all day long and before I know it it is midnight and I still have so much to do. Like what the heck. It is really frustrating. And I thought that this semester was going to be fairly okay. I mean I'm only in 2 organizations and taking 15 hours. Plus dealing with this stuff going on in my tummy is really difficult and having people always ask me if I've eaten today doesn't help at all. The doctors not knowing whats wrong and then spouting out all these possibilities like gallbladder disease, kidney stones, and stomach ulcers does not make me feel any better. So thanks for that, dumb doctor that barely spoke English. The stomach issue was a medium sized stressor and you just made it bigger.

I can count on one hand the people that truly know what's going on in my life. Two of them being my parents. I don't like to call my parents crying or tell them when I am having a bad day because I don't want them to worry. I don't like telling my friends that know because I don't want to burden them with my ridiculous problems. They have enough going on in their life and they don't need to hear me complaining about my issues all the time. Because I feel like that's all I do. I'm never completely okay. There is always something wrong with me and that is probably the one thing that pisses me off the most. I just want to be normal. So the only time I allow myself to get upset is when i am by myself. When I am around people I smile and pretend like everything is fine. And I make myself be happy. Because i dont want people to know. I don't want them to think i am a freak. I only open up to the people i am closest too and feel the most comfortable around. Even sometimes that is hard for me.

I have never been this busy, physically exhausted, or emotionally drained in my life. I'm at that point where I don't know what to do anymore. So I write it all out in hopes that it makes me feel better. But now that i have done that, I don't know where to go from here. These past few weeks, life has thrown everything it possibly could at me. I took it and did it all and dealt with everything fine. But now its all become too much. Too much for me to handle. Maybe i am in over my head. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew. Whatever it is, I don't know what my next step is going to be. Or what is going to be thrown at me next. I can only imagine what would happen if I just continue on with my crazy life. It will be like today's breakdown times 823048024. Not knowing how to handle all of this probably stresses me out even more. So now what do I do? Well i'll probably just wipe my eyes, cover up my blotchy face, put on a smile, and go do something productive. Because that is all I know how to do.

I Like To Do Crazy Things.

So this weekend me and my sister dyed a strip of our hair purple. Because we are just cool like that. Zachary is not a fan. My mom just rolled her eyes. My Dad just grinned and said if me dying my hair purple was the craziest thing I do, he could live with that. That's why I love my daddy. Anyways, I like being unpredictable. Plus purple is for TCU. Go Frogs. Pretty sure no one at TCU has random color hair. And thats why I like it.

Dare to be different.

Embrace yourself.

Do what you want.

Just a few empowering terms.

It's kinda already faded. Which is super sad. Maybe next time I'll do the tips thing :)

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

Be nice to everyone that you make eye contact with. Smile, say hi. You never know what people are struggling with on the inside. You could very well brighten their day.

If it matters to you, don't just let it go without a fight. You'll regret it later.

Quit being stubborn. Just do it.

You don't necessarily have control over everything that happens to you on a daily basis, but you do have control over how you react to the situations you are put in.

The second you start to think you are better than everyone else, is when you become just like everyone else.

In college you can have 2 of the 3: good grades, a social life, or an adequate amount of sleep.

Crying is not a sign of weakness. It means you have been too strong for too long.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

Be a Friend.

The thing about me is, I see people from the outside in. Everyone is going through something. They make keep it all inside, and never let their emotions show, but even the happiest person in the world is dealing with something. I beleive that everyone has their struggles that they are going through, and they only choose what they want you to see. So I try not to judge people. Thats why I smile at everyone. That may be the only smile they see all day. We are all humans, and we need to take care of each other. I want everyone to have a friend, so I am nice to everyone. My roommates joke about how I am like a mother duck, and I just take all these people under my wings. Maybe Im like that because I dont want people to go through what I did last year. Or maybe I just want to reach out to people and be their friend. Whatever the motive, I want to be the reason that turns people's bad day into a good one.
When I meet someone for the first time, I take everything about them in. What they are wearing, how they act, the tone that they talk in, their body motions, posture, everything. Then I analyze it all and after talking with someone for a few minutes, I can normally tell you down to a degree, what that person is like. I can probably tell you things about their personality, events that have happened in their past, and how they were raised. I have this sixth sense about people, and I think that is why I really want to work with people. I get people. I understand people.
In high school I was that girl that everyone came to for advice. Boys would come talk to me about their girl problems, and anything else that they knew they couldnt tell their guy friends. Girls would come and talk to me about anything and everything. I knew secrets about everyone. I liked people coming to me and telling me their problems. I liked picking their brain and helping them understand the situation they were in better. If they asked my opinion, I would give it to them. If they wanted advice, I would tell them what they should do. Otherwise, I just listened. I liked helping people with their problems. I felt so honored that these people would trust me with their deepest problems, and then for me to be able to help them out of sticky situations, was so rewarding.

Senior year, one of my best friends went through something very traumatic. When they called and asked if they could come to my house and talk, I knew it was serious. The fact that they came to me first and trusted me with this information, meant so much to my friendship with that person. I didnt tell a single soul about that conversation. I was so glad that they came to me, and even though I could not really help, I knew I could comfort them and be there for them, and to me that is the best feeling in the world.
 People need people. That sounds awkward, but its true. We were made to be interactive with others. There was a study done where newborns were put in seperate cribs and were comepletely isolated from others. They were fed on a regular basis and had their diapers changed, but they received no social interaction at all. No one talked to the babies, loved on them, or even made eye contact with them. It didnt take long before all of the babies died. Why? They were getting the nutrients they needed to survive. They were not getting the love that they needed to grow. We are engineered from the very beginning to be social. So be nice to the weirdo you sit next to everyday. Talk to them. Learn about their story. Be a friend. It could change your life, if you let it.